i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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