I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
