I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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