my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
