He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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