just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
