suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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