I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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