Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
