and you said cock pushups were impossible
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
