Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
