I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
