You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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