I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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