yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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