Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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