My sheets look like a crime scene.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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