Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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