Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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