I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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