He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
