Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
