I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
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I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.