I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Use "feeling words"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They also submitted to my demands for pizza