Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My first STD was from a foam party
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"