I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
two words...techno handjob
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
