Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
