i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
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You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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