so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my poor anus
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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