think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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