Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
