Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.