I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.