He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life