I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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