I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
