clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
