apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
