Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
