Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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