Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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