U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
