Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
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And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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