The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
