Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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