Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
