tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
