No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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