I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize