If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
