Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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