I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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