and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
